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In our journey toward healing, we often confront deep-seated emotions that have shaped us, sometimes, unconsciously in ways we don’t even realize. When we have unresolved trauma from the past, shame can have a powerful and pervasive effect upon us, especially when it’s been internalized over time. Internalized shame, particularly when it stems from traumatic experiences, can have a profound effect on our mental health, often paving the way for depression. To understand how this happens, we need to examine the psychology of trauma, shame, and self-perception and see how they connect.
In this article, we’ll explore how internalized shame develops from trauma and why it’s such a powerful precursor to depression. Drawing from the insights of trauma experts, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, and Babette Rothschild, we’ll also look at the impact of specific forms of trauma like religious and sexual trauma; and discuss how they add layers of complexity to this relationship.
Shame is a complex emotion, and unlike guilt, which is often tied to specific actions, shame targets our sense of self. It says, “I am wrong” or “I am unworthy,” rather than “I did something wrong.” For people who have experienced trauma, especially in the formative years of their lives, this shame can take root deeply and profoundly affect their self-perception. It can affect the way we experience and interact with others at our work and in relationships.
When someone experiences sexual trauma as a child for example, this will create shame within the child, as the child is having to give something emotionally that they don’t have the capacity to give. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, describes how trauma gets “stored” not only in our minds but in our bodies. Trauma survivors often carry the weight of their experiences within their nervous systems, feeling trapped in a constant state of alertness and self-criticism. According to Van der Kolk, this physical entrapment of trauma fosters a negative self-view that can lead to depression.
If we consider an example of attachment trauma, if we grew up in a home where mom and dad are always working and we are always alone, coming home from school to an empty house, eating dinner alone most days, parents are gone working or with friends all the time; after a while we will unconsciously begin to feel rejected, unwanted, uncared for, unappreciated. On a deeper level the child will begin to feel ashamed because we feel that we are not worthy of love and attention. This is not a conscious process this is unconscious conditioning that happens to children.
When people think about trauma, they often picture immediate reactions—shock, fear, anxiety; But what many don’t realize is how deeply trauma weaves itself into a person’s self-image. So repeated traumatic experiences condition our behavior into powerful feelings of shame and even depression over time. In this way trauma and shame are closely linked, particularly when trauma survivors are left alone to make sense of what happened, such as in the case with many war veterans. When we don’t have the support or understanding we need after a traumatic event, the mind fills in the blanks, and often, this turns into self-blame.
This self-blame can be especially strong when the trauma involves someone we trusted—a friend, family member, or partner. Suddenly, that trust is broken, and instead of feeling safe in the world, survivors feel like they’re at fault. They might start asking questions like, “Was it my fault?” or “Did I somehow cause this?” Over time, these feelings build up, leading survivors to internalize their shame. Many veterans of war experience this after witnessing their friends die. Unfortunately, without a healthy outlet to process these feelings, shame becomes a deeply rooted part of a survivor’s identity, which can spiral into depression. This is where trauma therapy becomes really important to know about.
In her book The Body Remembers, trauma expert Babette Rothschild explains how trauma can skew the way survivors see themselves, almost like a funhouse mirror that distorts reality. Instead of seeing themselves as resilient for surviving a difficult event, survivors might see only their perceived failures or weaknesses. It’s like their brains get stuck on the idea that the trauma was somehow their fault, even if that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Imagine looking in a mirror and hearing a voice that says, “Something’s not right with you” or “You’re broken because of what happened.” Over time, those thoughts can become part of a person’s daily self-image. They start to think of themselves as “damaged” or “unlovable.” This shame-based thinking builds, creating patterns of self-criticism that, as Rothschild notes, set the stage for depression. It’s almost as if the brain goes on a loop, replaying these negative thoughts and reinforcing the idea that the survivor isn’t worthy of love or kindness—even though, objectively, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is a good idea to try to remedy this in therapy with ACT therapy and work with cognitive distortions of oneself.
One theory that helps us understand the link between trauma, shame, and depression is called Internal Family Systems. According to this theory, each of us has different “selves” in our minds. There’s the “actual self,” or who we believe we are right now, and then there’s the “ideal self,” or who we aspire to be. When there’s a big gap between these two selves, it’s easy to feel disappointed, let down, or even depressed.
For trauma survivors, this gap can feel enormous. Imagine someone who, before experiencing trauma, had dreams, ambitions, and a positive self-image. Then, after the trauma, they start to feel as though they’ll never be able to achieve those dreams or live up to their ideals. This self-discrepancy can create a constant sense of failure or hopelessness, making it feel like they’re falling short of who they’re “supposed to” be.
What makes this worse is that trauma survivors with internalized shame may feel like they’re not just failing to reach their goals—they’re failing as people. Their “ideal self” might feel out of reach because shame has convinced them they don’t deserve to be that person or that they’re “too broken” to get there. And that’s where the cycle of self-blame and hopelessness takes root.
Sexual trauma is closely tied to intense feelings of shame, especially in cultures where victims may feel judged, misunderstood, or even blamed for their experiences. Survivors often internalize a feeling that they’re “damaged” or “tainted,” which can foster a long-term sense of unworthiness. Babette Rothschild explains that sexual trauma often leaves survivors disconnected from their bodies, viewing themselves as less worthy or even as “spoiled,” which is a direct pathway to shame-based depression.
When shame from sexual trauma takes root, it’s common for survivors to engage in self-blame, seeing themselves as somehow responsible for what happened to them. Research has shown that childhood survivors of sexual trauma, particularly those who struggle with self-blame, are more likely to experience depression in adulthood. This sense of personal fault leads to negative self-talk, isolation, and rumination—all factors that can worsen depression over time.
There are several psychological mechanisms that explain why internalized shame from trauma is such a potent precursor to depression:
Fortunately, therapeutic approaches exist that help individuals break the cycle of trauma, shame, and depression. Trauma-focused therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing are two examples. Bessel van der Kolk and Babette Rothschild both advocate for these methods, as they focus on helping trauma survivors process their experiences and release the emotions held within their bodies. By addressing both the mental and physical effects of trauma, these therapies can lessen the shame that trauma survivors carry.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) is another approach that can be effective for individuals struggling with internalized shame. This therapy, advocated by Gabor Maté, teaches individuals to develop self-compassion, helping them reframe negative self-beliefs. CFT encourages survivors to see themselves through a compassionate lens, replacing shame-based thoughts with kinder, more accepting beliefs that can lessen depressive symptoms over time.
Healing from trauma and breaking the cycle of shame and depression feels challenging, but it’s entirely possible. The first step is recognizing that these feelings, powerful as they are, are not a reflection of who you truly are. You are not the traumatic events that have happened to you. In recovery, often need supportive, understanding people in our lives, whether that’s friends, family, or a therapist, to help us start seeing things in a new light. Therapy, especially trauma-focused therapy, can change our self perception and help us to find more ease within ourselves.
It’s also helpful to remember that overcoming trauma isn’t about “fixing” something broken, or understanding why it happened intellectually, it’s about releasing the emotional reactions connected to the past so those emotional triggers no longer have any power over us. We want to integrate the experience into our consciousness and body so it doesn’t hold power over us anymore. Reclaiming a sense of worth is a gradual process, but with time and support, many trauma survivors find they can look at themselves with compassion and hope, rather than with shame.
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